Why is that I feel at least 99% of people are always ok? A problem comes and they fix it. I feel so lost sometimes in how much I can’t handle this. You have people that tell you they care and that they kinda understand what you are going through.
You don’t know what it is like to get up with hopes of trying to be better. Trying to be like the rest of the world. You don’t know how lonely it is to always be on the cusp of a breakdown over something as small as a woman in your life.
People shouldn’t be able to hurt other people.
Today I begged God to make me normal. Everyday I have begged God to help me.
Even when tearing my heart open I make those closest to me. The people that truly try to make me feel better… my enemies.
In what world did a loving God create a sadness like this?
How can this truly be a thing?
I only say these things because the emptiness I am feeling is causing me to collapse.
Today was the first day I couldn’t put on my happy face in front of people. I couldn’t act like I was normal or okay. Today was the day everyone saw what truly lies behind my happiness I present.
Once I got in the house after work I screamed. I hoped, so hard that it would help. I hoped that somehow through my vocal chords the poison in my heart would just go away.
It is a different type of sadness when you try something new and it doesn’t help. That is the sadness that can truly break you.
After screaming I ran downstairs and opened a cupboard. In that cupboard I found some friends.
These pills of alternating sizes were meant to take my sadness away.
I was Distraught. I was Hopeless. I was truly the only human on earth at that point.
Like a good boy I tried calling my mom. I begged for her to answer. I begged for there to be a God that would let me speak to the only woman who has remained a constant in my life, but God let me down.
My mom never answered. 2.5 rings then Voicemail.
I wasn’t even sad. I wasn’t happy or angry. I was standing at the void’s entrance waiting to be pulled in.
I felt his icy grip when someone called me.
It was a friend from college. We were never very close, but we enjoyed eachother’s company and enjoyed hanging out.
She called me. Out of the blue. No reason to. She just felt that I needed a call.
A light came through this void that was previously impervious to the fractals that bounce off happiness.
I felt its warmth and in that moment I became scared of what I had done. I stood over these pill bottles and contemplated something that would “fix me” I could be like everyone else.
This light told me she was scared to lose me. Gave me the comfort a mother would give her child. I felt immature and a tad bit needy, but I fell in the glow and I will be in that glow as long as I need to be till I can truly walk on my own.
In these moments I realize that God made you empty for a reason. To fill the void in your heart. I realize that everyone can glow if they have friends that are there.
I will try to find my own light.
I will try to be my own person.
When I am done, I will try with all my heart to make my life better, and in this moment of clarity I understand that I need to try to win her back.
Just not yet.
Some people can’t handle the darkness of other people before it swallows them.
She needs time to replenish her light. Just like me.
In the end I just have to hope that my light grows strong enough for her to truly want me. Maybe one day she will need me to be there.
Being selfish I have to hope she gives me time to find myself and doesn’t find someone else. I need to believe she will try to be there and try to look past my past darkness when I show her my improvements.
If I lie on the edge again I will make it my duty to try and find people there for me.
They need me as much as I need them
She may say she doesn’t need me. She may even feel like she is better off without me. This I won’t deny, but I promise her and anyone who reads this post (noone) that I WILL become whole through other people and I WILL be apart of everyone’s glow.
Give me time.